Squad Goals: Open Letter to Tay Tay

Dear Ms. Swift,

Squad

 Let me just say I have been a fan of yours since the film “Valentine’s Day,” and recently it has been brought to my attention that you do music as well. How fun! Anyway, I’m writing because I was wondering if there are any current openings in your “Squad.” I notice you have singers, models, and actresses, which is nice, but you don’t seem to have any bald, 35 year old, stay at home Dads. If diversity is at all a priority to you this may be something you want to consider.

 Now I don’t want to just be the token bald guy in your group. I do have different attributes that I believe can be an asset to your Squad. For instance, I could organize a Fantasy Football League for the group. I’m sure that there are times where things become a little mundane and bland amongst the Squad and nothing like a little Fantasy Football discussion and smack talk to fill those moments.

Also, I believe I can really boost morale within the group. I recently saw that when you had the Squad join you on stage at a concert, Lena Dunham commented that she felt a little insecure standing with the rest of the girls. Next to me Lena will never have felt more beautiful in all of her life.

I’m sure that your beau Calvin, must also get a little tired of constantly having to hang out with beautiful supermodels and actresses. How many times has he been left on the bench checking his phone in the mall whilst you and the girls are out trying on old timey bathing suits? Now I can hang out on the bench with him or we can go visit H&M and discuss Fantasy Football (mentioned above).

 Lastly, I am more than willing to take the blame for things that may be a little embarrassing. Having small children I constantly have spit up and other stains on my shirts, so I have lost all shame. There’s currently a story about whether or not you “broke wind” at the VMA’s. If I were in your squad not only would you be able to blame me, it probably would even be my fault.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope that this letter would not create any Bad Blood and that you would not just Shake it Off. Being in your Squad would fulfill my Wildest Dreams.

                                                                                             Sincerely,

                                                                                               Dave Hopping

 

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